Sui­cide for Dummies

Sui­cide is the answer. Go ahead, what are you wait­ing for? Nobody loves you, you’re all alone and don’t for­get, It’s cold out­side. There is one catch to keep in mind while attempt­ing to escape the mor­tal world, if you fail you go straight to jail (after being dis­charged from the hos­pi­tal of course).

Of all the per­sonal free­doms that we have in this coun­try, sui­cide is not one of them. Chris­t­ian morals have shaped every­thing in our lives, from the words printed on our money to our right of self-elimination. The bible says sui­cide is wrong; so by God we made laws against it. Legally you can com­mit sui­cide if you sac­ri­fice your own life to save some­one else’s. While self-sacrifice is legal and tech­ni­cally eth­i­cal, it is not prac­ti­cal because the oppor­tu­ni­ties are gen­er­ally unpre­dictable and scarce.The Japan­ese are the most noble when it comes to aton­ing for their short­com­ings. In Japan­ese cul­ture sui­cide, or sep­puku, is an hon­or­able method of aton­ing for mis­takes and failures.

I believe that our gov­ern­ment should not only allow sui­cide, but we should also pro­vide the means to do it.

The first step in my gov­ern­ment spon­sored sui­cide plan will be for the can­di­date to undergo a psy­chi­atric eval­u­a­tion to deter­mine if they are men­tally capa­ble of mak­ing such a mon­u­men­tal deci­sion.  Sec­ond, the indi­vid­ual will undergo coun­sel­ing. This will serve as a last ditch effort by the gov­ern­ment to help a per­son eval­u­ate the pro’s and con’s of self depor­ta­tion from their cur­rent plane of exis­tence.  Third, the appli­cant will con­sult with a legal pro­fes­sional to ensure all of their affairs are in order, if they are leav­ing any debts, then they must find a will­ing party to assume the debt in their stead.

Lastly there will be a manda­tory wait­ing period. Dur­ing the wait­ing period the appli­cant will be sequestered in a gov­ern­ment facil­ity so as to pre­vent them from com­mit­ting any last minute crimes or incur­ring any debts. This time period will also allow for sec­ond thoughts, self-doubt and last minute good byes. Finally the big day arrives: sev­eral options will be pre­sented to the soon to be corpse; a pri­vate death by the means of their choice; or, a pub­lic end­ing, the likes of which that would make both Stephen King and Shirley Jack­son proud, and tele­vised for the enter­tain­ment of both the pro­le­tariat and the rul­ing élite.

Are you hav­ing sec­ond thoughts yet? Good. I can­not vouch for anyone’s love for you, but you’re not alone. There are thou­sands of peo­ple in Laramie and a few of them are wait­ing to talk to at 307.766.8989. Sure it is cold now, but if you wait ten min­utes the weather will change and hope­fully so will your self-destructive tendencies.