Suicide for Dummies

Suicide is the answer. Go ahead, what are you waiting for? Nobody loves you, you’re all alone and don’t forget, It’s cold outside. There is one catch to keep in mind while attempting to escape the mortal world, if you fail you go straight to jail (after being discharged from the hospital of course).

Of all the personal freedoms that we have in this country, suicide is not one of them. Christian morals have shaped everything in our lives, from the words printed on our money to our right of self-elimination. The bible says suicide is wrong; so by God we made laws against it. Legally you can commit suicide if you sacrifice your own life to save someone else’s. While self-sacrifice is legal and technically ethical, it is not practical because the opportunities are generally unpredictable and scarce.The Japanese are the most noble when it comes to atoning for their shortcomings. In Japanese culture suicide, or seppuku, is an honorable method of atoning for mistakes and failures.

I believe that our government should not only allow suicide, but we should also provide the means to do it.

The first step in my government sponsored suicide plan will be for the candidate to undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine if they are mentally capable of making such a monumental decision.  Second, the individual will undergo counseling. This will serve as a last ditch effort by the government to help a person evaluate the pro’s and con’s of self deportation from their current plane of existence.  Third, the applicant will consult with a legal professional to ensure all of their affairs are in order, if they are leaving any debts, then they must find a willing party to assume the debt in their stead.

Lastly there will be a mandatory waiting period. During the waiting period the applicant will be sequestered in a government facility so as to prevent them from committing any last minute crimes or incurring any debts. This time period will also allow for second thoughts, self-doubt and last minute good byes. Finally the big day arrives: several options will be presented to the soon to be corpse; a private death by the means of their choice; or, a public ending, the likes of which that would make both Stephen King and Shirley Jackson proud, and televised for the entertainment of both the proletariat and the ruling elite.

Are you having second thoughts yet? Good. I cannot vouch for anyone’s love for you, but you’re not alone. There are thousands of people in Laramie and a few of them are waiting to talk to at 307.766.8989. Sure it is cold now, but if you wait ten minutes the weather will change and hopefully so will your self-destructive tendencies.

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